I don’t know how many out there consider me as a friend. I know there are various shades of ‘friendship’. You have people who you talk to daily, or see regularly. You have people you know and you occasionally trawl their Facebook, just to see how they’re doing. And then, you have those people who are so close to you, they can feel your fire and they know you better than you know yourself.
I’m not sure which one I am to you. Maybe I’m the one where you just occasionally read my Facebook and like my ridiculous ramblings.
Whichever you are, there is something I need to tell you. Not just on behalf of myself, but on behalf of every person who lives with chronic illness – whether it’s Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, or some other crappy lifelong condition.
I’m sorry that my illness takes up a better portion of my life. I know my Facebook feed is 75% cats and Ehlers-Danlos/Chiari related shit, 10% memes, 10% Tumblr reposts and 5% what the fuck is that! I imagine those sick pictures of my scars and boo-boos are probably getting old. It probably feels like most of your feed is filled with negativity. I promise, if I could have it another way, I would in a heartbeat. Please don’t give up on me. I want to hear about your new kid, or your new job. I want to know how you are. I still want you in my life. I want to see you and I want to make you laugh. I want to wish you happy birthday, merry Christmas, or whatever else. I want to be the person who wipes your tears away after a bad day and asks who I need to beat up on your behalf.
But please understand, sometimes I won’t be able to do that – because I’m a bit tied up putting my joints back in (literally), or cleaning up vomit because I didn’t quite make it to the toilet or sink. Sometimes I will be too tired for a night out, or to have you over. I can promise you on the days I am feeling well, I will want to see you or talk to you.
I am sorry for all the times I have cancelled, or will have to. I am sorry for all the times I slept through your calls and texts. And I am sorry that my life is a mess. That is not going to change anytime soon. But if you’ll have me, I will be the best friend I can be. Chronic illness has given me this amazing super power – empathy. I will always understand when you need to cancel, or when you’re too depressed, anxious or afraid to function. I’ll be there to hold your hand, literally or at least figuratively, when you grieve the loss of someone you love, or maybe when you get sick. I will make you laugh when everything seems so shitty and impossible, because let’s face it, my jokes help me survive my own situation. I will advocate for you when it comes to your health, safety and sanity. And no matter how many miles between us, I will love you and care about you.